But Now I See
by Heeroluva
Summary: Spike uses Xander to get what he can't from Buffy... or so Xander thinks. Spike/Xander


Title: But Now I See  
Author: heeroluva  
Fandom: Buffy  
Pairing: Spike/Xander, Spike/Buffy (briefly mentioned)  
Rating: R  
Warnings: A bit of blood and violence but then that's to be expected when vampires are concerned, right?  
Words: 2822  
Spoilers: Season 5ish?  
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I just like to play with them.  
Summary: Spike uses Xander to get what he can't from Buffy... or so Xander thinks.  
Notes: I started this ages only but it sat at 200 words. Had a friend reading it thinking that it could possibly stand alone, and she said yes it could, but she would love to see more of a conclusion to it. So I wrote a 2600 word conclusion for her. :D Thanks much to cariad_winter (over at LiveJournal) for the wonderful beta. The title is from "Amazing Grace."

Spike only came to Xander when he was bloody, battered and smelling of her. Spike thrust brutally, uncaring of the pain he inflicted, thinking only of the release that he needed that she refused to give him. Often times after such encounters Xander ended up in much the same condition that Spike had entered: bloody and bruised, unable to walk without a limp for days. He could only say he pulled a muscle so many times before people started giving him odd sidelong glances, but they never called him on it.

They'd found out after their first encounter, when Spike had bitten his lip hard enough to draw blood, that the chip seemed to not work on him for some reason. He hypothesized that it was because of his possession by the hyena that had never truly left him.

But Xander didn't mind the blood or the pain. It was a reminder of the only things that he could have of Spike. He didn't begrudge Spike, because he was in the same situation as him. Buffy used Spike the same way that Spike used him. He knew it wasn't right, wasn't healthy, and he had the feeling that it would eventually break him. But in his twisted mindset the attention that Spike gave him was better than nothing. Whatever crumbs Spike cast off in his direction he went after like a starved man. Eager for anything, eager for him.

He wasn't sure when he'd fallen in love with him and knew it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but no one ever accused him of being smart, and the heart wants what the heart wants. Even knowing that it couldn't end well, he was willing to risk it.

So when the knock came at his door in the wee hours of the morning he wasn't surprised to find a bloody Spike standing at his door. They'd done this dance dozens of times now and he knew where it would end. No words were exchanged as Spike walked past him towards the bedroom, shedding his clothes as he went. Xander grabbed one of the blood bags from the fridge and poured it into a mug before putting it in the microwave. Then he picked up a wash rag and his dwindling first aid kit from the bathroom reminding himself that he needed to restock it soon. Back in the kitchen he filled a bowl with hot water and grabbed the now heated mug of blood, precariously balancing everything as he walked to his bedroom.

Spike sat on the edge of the bed, hunched over himself, staring at the floor, and unconsciously picking at a loose string on the sheets. Xander felt something inside him clench at the sight as his eyes teared up and a lump formed in his throat. This wasn't the confident, cocky Spike that he knew, but a broken shadow of the man he once was.

Placing the warm mug in Spike's hand, he was shocked at the lack of response, not even a "Ta, mate" in response. He set the bowl on the nightstand and sat down on the bed behind him. Dropping the rag in the water he rang it out and began wiping away the blood so he could see and evaluate the wounds, decide if there was anything that needed stitches or if they would heal fine on their own. He cringed as the deep gouges that formed trenches down Spike's back appeared as he washed away the blood.

He was happy to note that no fresh blood rose to the surface as he cleaned the wounds as gently as he could and while he hoped it was because they were already healing, he knew that it could also be because he didn't have much more blood to lose. And judging by the grey cast that his normally alabaster skin was taking he'd bet it was the latter.

Waves of anger washed over him: anger at the monster that Buffy was becoming to have inflicted this kind of damage on someone that couldn't fight back, anger at Spike for going back again and again, and anger at himself for not speaking up, not doing anything to stop it.

He didn't realize that he had stopped his cleaning and that his anger was palpable until the mug dropped to the floor with a thud, the untouched blood spread across the carpet before sinking into what would become a horrible stain, and he felt Spike's whole body shiver under his touch. Guilt flooded him as he noticed the small hitches in those tight shoulders, signaling sobs that Spike was trying to hide. He turned him around and pulled him across his lap, wrapping him in a loose embrace, being mindful of his wounds.

Spike latched on to him, arms wrapping tightly around Xander's sides before burying his face in his neck. Xander's ribs protested the tight embrace but he didn't complain, and instead of saying anything, he just ran his hands through his hair and down his side while murmuring nonsensical words of comfort.

This was definitely a break from their routine. Normally when Spike came over, Xander would clean him up while he bitched the entire time about being fussed over, before he would strip Xander, have his way with him, usually multiple times, and then get dressed and walk out without a word. So many times afterwards, Xander would curl up around the pillows that still held faint traces of Spike's wonderful scent, before breaking down and crying his sorrows out at the unfairness of it all.

His hands froze momentarily as he realize that Spike was actually talking, repeated over and over "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry," an endless mantra.

Xander began his movements again before shushing him. "Shh, Spike. You have nothing to be sorry for. You've done nothing wrong."

Spike shook his head wildly in denial. "I'm all wrong, Pet. I'm love's bitch. Everyone leaves me. Not one wants me for long. First Angelus left. Then Dru was only with me because she couldn't have him and when she got a taste of him again, I was no longer enough. And then Buffy doesn't see me as anything but a toy to use and abuse then discard until she has use for me again. Not even a real demon anymore. Can't even get my own bloody food anymore. Have to rely on hand outs and hope that the Slayer doesn't decide that I'm no longer useful. "

Xander felt tears sting his eyes as Spike's confession spilled forth. "I'm still here. I won't ever leave you." _I love you _was left unsaid, but he knew Spike had heard it anyway when he went rigid in his arms.

Xander's heart raced and his breath hitched, wishing he could take the words back, wishing that he'd said something else, anything else, kicking himself for handing over his heart on a silver platter with a knife waiting to finish it off, knowing that he was about to lose everything. But he'd deal and figure out a way to live with the knowledge that he wasn't enough. If Spike could do it and more, than he could do the same.

Spike started to pull away, but Xander tightened his arms in desperation, but immediately let his arms drop to his sides at Spike's pain filled hiss of protest. Xander looked away, closing his eyes, unwilling and unable to watch Spike walk out of his room and probably his life.

But long moments passed and Spike made no move to get up off his lap and leave. He jumped slightly when he felt Spike's hand cup his cheek and couldn't help nuzzling into it. The hand trailed down to grab his chin, forcing his head up and around to face the direction Spike sat. He clenched his eyes tightly and cursed himself as he felt tears leak up down his cheek.

Spike's other hand rose to brush away the tears. "Now, now. None of that, Pet. Look at me."

Xander slowly opened his eyes, expecting to see condemnation and rejection, but instead he was met with gentle acceptance.

"Did you really mean it, Pet?"

Xander was confused, momentarily forgetting what he'd said. "Mean what?"

A flicker of annoyance fleetingly flashed across Spike's face, before he smiled ruefully. "Well it definitely wasn't your brain that first attracted me to you, Luv. Did you mean that you wouldn't ever leave me?"

Xander actually felt the blood rise up to the surface as a flush spread across his face and down his neck and chest. He lowered his eyes bashfully, and would have turned his head away was it not for the grip that Spike still had on his chin. He mumbled, "Yeah."

"Hey now, Pet. You need to speak up. And I thought I told you to look at me." The voice held an edge to it that Xander couldn't refuse.

"Yes, Spike. I want you, I won't ever leave you. Seeing Buffy hurt you so much made me want to kill her. She's one of my best friends, and I wished her dead. No one deserves that. And Gods, I love you. Does that make you happy to hear?" Xander's voice had been increasing in volume throughout his rant and he was practically screaming now. "The Zeppo fell in love with the vampire that's in love with the Slayer. Seems like I'm love's bitch too. You want to rub it in my face and laugh?"

"Oh, Xan, I've been a right blind git." Before Xander understood what he meant, Spike's lips softly met his, asking permission, begging permission, and he happily granted it.

Xander's mind floated away as their tongues and teeth dueled, but when he pulled away to catch his breath the confusion rolled back in. "I don't understand."

"Buffy wasn't just using me, Luv. Was using her too. Maybe not the first time, but she knew it and she took it out on my body. I figured it was a fair trade and I can heal. Was you I wanted, Luv, but thought that what I had was the most I could get. Thought that you were just playing the White Knight again, patching me up and offering yourself up to me. You never said anything."

Elation passed through Xander as Spike called him Luv. He'd never done that before. But anger and hurt quickly took over. "When was I supposed to say something? When you were pounding me through the mattress or maybe after you left or what about the mornings that you were never here with me? Huh, Spike? When was I supposed to say something? Everyone thinks you were in love with Buffy? Why would I think any differently? I thought I was just a convenient outlet for your anger and hurt after you couldn't get what you wanted from Buffy."

"Bloody hell, we certainly ballsed-up this whole thing. Both so hard headed and afraid to speak out. I thought that you wanted me gone like Buffy. Figured you didn't need the reminder." Spike's eyes drifted shut and he swayed slightly from side to side.

Noticing that and the even grayer cast to his skin, Xander freaked out and pulled Spike to his neck. "You need to feed Spike, the last of the blood I have is now staining the carpet, and I can't afford to get more until I get paid again."

"You don't know what you're offering, Luv." Spike gently licked and nibbled the sensitive skin where neck met shoulder and Xander couldn't help but shiver in pleasure. "If I do this, it's forever. Not going to let you go either. You'll be mine and everyone will know it."

"Yes, Spike. I want this. Forever." Xander felt Spike's face shift against his neck.

"Luv you." He gave the spot one last kiss before he whispered, "Mine," and sank his fangs in deep.

Xander had always thought that being bitten would hurt a lot. But he should have known different from how Riley had been addicted to it. There was a brief moment of pressure followed by a flood of pleasure; the kind that was usually reserved for exceptionally powerful orgasms. But words weren't enough to describe it. His cock stood at attention and he felt Spike's rubbing a wet trail against his stomach. The pleasure kept building and building and building and he was sure that he wouldn't survive this; that he would explode into millions and millions of pieces and end up like Humpty Dumpty. As though drawn by an invisible hand he lowered his head and bit deeply into Spike's neck as well. And as soon as the blood touched his tongue he was flying and falling, and before he knew where he landed blackness claimed him.

When he came too again, it was too a wet cloth wiping over his stomach and still sensitive penis. He groaned in protest and opened his eyes to meet the blazing blue eyes of Spike, who stared down at him with a look of pure love and possession. He also looked healthier and more radiant than he had since the first time he'd seen him back in high school. "You look…" He struggled for the right words as his eyes were drawn to the already scared bite mark on Spike's neck and he reached up to touch his own neck, surprised to find that there seemed to be a direct connection between the already scarred wound and his cock.

"I know, Pet. You certainly are a nummy treat. Your blood really packed a wallop. Feel better than I have in years. And you're mine now. Never letting you go." Spike threw the cloth across the room uncaring where it landed since the carpet was already a lost cause anyway and laid down next to Xander, pulling him close and snuggling tightly together.

"Yes yours. Always." Xander smiled as the vampire purred contently like a great, big pussy cat. He knew better than to voice that thought aloud though, because he was sure that Spike would get all embarrassed and defensive and not do it anymore. "But you're mine too. And I'm not going to let you go. You'd best remember that. No more Buffy. I don't share." The last part was practically a growl.

"That's good, Pet, because I don't share either. If I didn't know better, I'd say that you were part vamp. Mighty fine impersonation of one. Now get some sleep, Luv. I'm knackered and know you must be too. I took more than I planned, so you'll need your rest. Call into that job of yours tomorrow and I'll take care of you nice and proper now. We have lots of lost time to make up for." Snuggling even closer, he heard Xander's heart slow and his breathing even out. He was about to nod off himself when the phone rang, startling him and sending Xander fumbling around for it. He grabbed the searching arm and pulled it close. "Let the machine pick up. If it's important we'll hear."

"Okay," Xander mumbled into his neck still half asleep.

Four rings later the machine finally picked up and after the beep he was startled to hear his Sire's voice. "Spike I know you're there. You better explain to me why Xander is now part of this family and why ye did na get mi permission first." The last was said with a thick Irish brogue that signified his anger and how close Angelus was to the service. "If ye do na call be by tonight, I'm driving out there and will na be happy."

Xander having had enough grabbed the phone off the hook. "Shut up, Deadboy. Enough with the Angelus impersonation. I'm his and he's mine and there's nothing you can say or do that will change it. Take that stick and shove it and leave us alone." With that he hung up the phone and snuggled back into Spike's side, staring innocently up at his shocked face. "What?"

Spike cracked up laughing unable to believe the absurdity of the situation. "You've got balls, Luv. Never seen anyone stand up to him like that before."

Xander rolled Spike over onto his back and straddled his hips. "That's not the first time I've done it. And sure it won't be the last. He doesn't scare me." He rolled his hips down over Spikes, smiling at the moan it pulled out of him. "I'm pretty sure you already knew I had balls, but you're welcome to check again to make sure they're in working order."

Spike bit back a bark of laughter thinking o_nly Xander_. With a quick move he rolled them over, deftly switching their places. "Oh, Pet, I know, but I'm more than happy to test them out again." Needless to say that sleep was the last thing on their minds.


End file.
